The tragic murder-suicide involving Justin Fairfax is a sobering reminder that coercive control and domestic violence can become deadly.

Research shows that leaving is often the most dangerous time for a survivor. According to the Battered Women's Support Services, 77% of domestic violence-related homicides occur upon separation. Abuse is about power and control. When an abuser believes they are losing control—over the relationship, children, finances, or public image—the risk of serious harm can increase.

Your mission is not to win the argument. Your mission is to survive.

Survival may require leaving behind possessions, pets, a home, or even children temporarily to escape immediate danger. These painful decisions are not a reflection of a survivor’s love or commitment. They are often decisions made in moments where staying alive becomes the priority.

Escaping can be especially difficult when the abuser has wealth, influence, or professional status. What may look from the outside like a simple choice to "just leave" can actually involve years of manipulation, fear, financial dependence, and emotional control.

Some survivors experience what is often described as "golden handcuffs"—where financial security, a certain lifestyle, social standing, children, or the promise of a protected future become intertwined with the relationship. The abuser may create the belief that they control the resources, the reputation, and even the outcome of what happens next. When that control is challenged, some may attempt to prove that they still have power by using intimidation, threats, legal battles, social connections, or financial pressure.

This is one of the most difficult realities for outsiders to understand: a survivor may appear to have every reason to leave, yet the consequences of leaving may feel overwhelming and dangerous. Judgment from others can add another layer of isolation when what survivors need most is understanding and support.

According to the National Network to End Domestic Violence, between 21% and 60% of domestic violence victims lose their jobs as a direct or indirect result of the abuse. Employment loss can be a tactic of financial abuse used to remove independence, limit options, and make leaving more difficult.

Several survivors of upscale abuse have shared that they volunteered simply to stay active and connected. They were more grateful than could be imagined to be alive and wanted to contribute, even when there was no financial compensation. In one of my interviews, survivor Liz  a professional in the journalism field, shared that as a victim  of upscale abuse she was left  sleeping in cars with their children and bathing at gyms while rebuilding her life.  .  To outside observers, they may appear financially secure and extremely happy because they do not "look" like someone experiencing poverty. However, behind closed doors, coercive control may have stripped away their income, stability, and independence.

Nearly half of women experiencing domestic violence report homelessness as a direct result of the abuse.  Shelter housing becomes harder to secure if the victim has children with disabilities and/ or pets

As a Certified Domestic Violence Awareness Presenter and author of John & Suzie: One Woman Is a Suzie (available on Amazon), my mission is to help people recognize these warning signs before violence escalates and to replace judgment with understanding.

If you believe your partner is becoming more controlling, threatening, or violent, choose safety over winning the argument. Property can often be replaced. Careers can be rebuilt. Legal matters can be addressed later. Your life is irreplaceable.

If this video helps one person understand that leaving an abusive relationship is about surviving—not winning—please share it. It could help save a life.